It’s no real secret that I have a lot of major changes going on, including a move halfway across the country. The process of moving itself is something I tend to find fairly mundane and laborious, though helpful once in a while for sorting through accumulated stuff and paring it down to essentials.
Like any other major change, it tends to put me in a very reflective mood. My thoughts often turn toward the course of events that led me up to this point, how I’ve changed, and why this external change is happening. I normally think of myself as changing very little year over year. Small incremental advances of the self.
Even looking at this Blaugust compared to the last one, this simply isn’t the case anymore. Many of my core thought processes have been altered, changed, or nudged in some way. Largely for the better, I think, though my perspective is somewhat biased.
This time last year I was just beginning to really explore social spaces in a new way, both locally and online. Trying to actively engage with communities and people, trying to contribute, communicate, and build connections. In the end, I was looking for an emotional home. Exploring my new identity had left me feeling extremely alone and isolated. It was through that exploration on reddit that I would meet my friend Rhea and get invited to her gaming discord server turned LGBTQ+ haven. A community I help moderate and am glad to be a part of.
I’ve made many good friends among that community, and I’ve learned a lot about healthy relationships and how to communicate from them. In many ways, the lessons I learned there were what made me feel like divorce was a necessary step in my life as well. It helped me see what was wrong and what wasn’t working between me and my ex.
That growth and communication also led to the blooming of a new relationship much more recently. A long distance friend and kindred spirit turned girlfriend. An unexpected but welcome change for both of us, I believe.
What really cemented my desire to move was when I traveled to Kansas City for Pride this past June. I wanted to do something special and memorable for Pride again this year. I happened to realize I had the vacation time and money to have my first real vacation… ever… I guess. So I drove up, crashed at a friends place for a couple weeks, hit the big Pride event, and just generally existed and explored the area and enjoyed time with friends. It was an extremely pleasant experience. Until it came time to leave, that is.
The process of returning home was a difficult one. I had the barest essentials of my life with me already, and enough money saved up that I could (in theory) have gone and rented a place and just never left. The idea of returning the the place I once viewed as home was that bad. I hated it. The first several hours of the drive back was me forcing myself to return. The remaining eight hours was spent thinking about how to make all of this happen. What steps needed to be taken. What bridges needed built.
By the time I arrived at my soon-to-be-former residence, no longer a home to me emotionally, I hit the ground running with the new plan. Rewriting my resume. Putting in a lot of job applications in my field of experience. Starting the conversations necessary with my ex to make all the required arrangements locally. It all came together surprisingly quickly.
A month later I had an offer letter and I was back in Kansas City to look at apartments, tour my future workplace, and generally drive around and get a feel for the area in a way I hadn’t during my more vacation-oriented trip. Another month past that, I’m actually loading up and leaving behind the place I so desperately wanted not to return to. A brave new adventure to build a new life, one that truly reflects who I am and who I want to be. It won’t always be rainbows and butterflies, but at least when it’s a mess it’ll be my mess. Or our mess, as the case may be.
And if you ever find yourself in the Kansas City area, by all means, drop a line. Always glad to meet new friends, old friends, internet friends, whatever. Y’all take care!
Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.
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