It’s strange, really. Blaugust is one of those things that happens every year, and I always feel compelled to participate. Much like a birthday or anniversary, it comes around every year. Because of the motivations and mental headspace I was in when I started in 2018, it always serves as a time of reflection on why I started and how my intentions and topics have evolved over the years.
The short version is that I needed something new and different in my life. I was dissatisfied with who I was, where I was at, and what I was doing. At that time, in that moment, blogging offered me a chance to reach out and do something new. A chance to refine a skill and express part of myself that was trapped and caged.
Who I was back in 2018 couldn’t even have imagined where I’d have ended up now. It seems like a lifetime ago and yesterday at the same time.
And, of course, seeing the announcement, signing up, knowing I’m going to participate yet again… Well… I cannot help but see the timing as a bit ironic. On the fifth anniversary of me starting something new out of that desperation to escape so many parts of my life, I find that I’m quite literally escaping from that life.
See, I turned in my notice at work a couple of weeks ago. My last day with my employer is the 28th. Now, it’s not exactly some big magical change, as I turned in my notice because I have a job lined up somewhere else doing the same work, just slightly further up the totem pole. Slightly.
What makes this different is that I’m relocating 750 miles. I’m leaving behind my ex, letting her have the home we purchased together, and I’m going to build a new life that is purely my own. A life that belongs to Rachel. And I’m doing it at the beginning of August. Five years ago I desperately wanted to escape, and now I finally have.
I also reflect on all the various things blogging has given me over the years. While it started as a way to hone a skill, talk about games, and have a community, it became much more. A form of self expression. When I needed to think about something or process a new idea, I increasingly turned to writing to do so.
Now, ultimately that led me to stop blogging. I had a lot going on inside me that I wasn’t very comfortable sharing or talking about. For quite some time I was barely able to recognize or admit to these things myself. As a result I stopped writing. I increasingly cut myself off from it, as trying to do so always led down a path I didn’t want to share with the world. Slowly but surely I just… stopped.
Eventually, though, I turned to maintaining a personal diary on discord. Just a small private thread tucked away in the corner of my favorite server where I could express my thoughts freely and openly. Not quite daily, but close to it. It once again became a part of my Routine to write about whatever I was thinking and feeling. No focus. No theme. Just… whatever was in my head and heart that day.
Blogging, started and reinforced by participating in Blaugust, gave me that. A space that would strengthen my relationship with some of my most trusted allies. A space to share my thoughts with others. To get used to the idea of being more open and authentic.
I find myself of a different mind coming back to this now. I no longer feel upset or distraught at the idea of discussing what’s going on in my life. I no longer feel like I’ve gone somewhere I shouldn’t go with my writing. I barely even know where my life is going.
Yet here I am doing it again. Starting this up once again. On the one year anniversary of starting hormone therapy no less. Now that would be an interesting about me post. Reflecting on the differences between who I was last Blaugust v. who I am now.
Regardless, I’m rambling.
Y’all take care. I’ll see ya ’round.
Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.
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